My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Pretty much! 😂👀
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I have two kinds of followers
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
The opposite of Iceland is water water
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.