i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.