Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
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Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers