Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
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What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
If a snake ate a cake
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Yup….perfect score!
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito