okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
monday
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.