My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
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asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti