Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.