Me sliding into hell like
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’m listening
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently