The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
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My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to