saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
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interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?