Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
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My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
#Caturday
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.