8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
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Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Software Development ⛵️
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit