“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
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the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’