I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
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The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*performs CPR on the turkey*
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?