On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
You Might Also Like
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
There’s no “u” in narcissist
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Yep.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.