My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
no their not
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.