Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
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“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I need to get some bricks…
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.