I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
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Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken