The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
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He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Very good! 👍😂
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
opening twitter today
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs