Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas