(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
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I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit