Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts