*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
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Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds