5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
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In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.