My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
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Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Always a metermaid never a meter
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*