some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
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People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.