It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me