Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
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I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.