German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
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lmfao
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE