guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
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Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”