Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
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Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.