Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
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but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.