My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
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if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.