If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
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Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.