her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
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Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Oops I deleted….
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope