Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
That’s enough internet for the day
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*