Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
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“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool