Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
are they though??
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking