Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*