*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory