Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting