Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
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waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now