There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”