The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
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I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Many hands make light work
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I can also cook 😂
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.