[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
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When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
craving $300 all of a sudden
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
The old gods are rising again.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day