Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing