I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together