[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
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Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees