This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
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Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.