Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
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ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
#Caturday
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix